It seems that the moments i spend writing here are the same ones that are most reflective of my troubles; i guess i do not need to let you know that i am, once again, in conflict with my emotions.

I feel like a jerk.

I'm not a demanding person, or so i thought. but when you told me to "pace" things, to being friends again, i took it - no questions. I understood. it was needed. you needed to be this way. i took it and thought that i didn't have anything against it, but apparently i held a secret dislike in the decision.

for the longest time i felt, "why does it have to be like this? i don't ask for anything else... why can't THIS be granted to me for a change?" but then again, silence was my best option; silence my singular choice. i felt you wanted to detach yourself from me - give you space that you needed. i guess in the process i detached myself as well. the defeatist, insecure man in me told me to not "waste time"; why invest time and emotion, when it's not getting anywhere?

i felt this way for the longest time, feeling distant, reflecting that it was YOU who was distancing yourself, but actually, it was me. i was hiding in the fact that you wanted off whatever it is that we 'had' and i didn't react well to it. i rejected the idea. i hated myself for it.

two days ago, i was minding my own business when mom told me "there's a postcard for you. who would send you a postcard?" so i'm like, "yeah. who WOULD send me a postcard?"

i took a look, at the end of the short scrawled handwriting, your name was signed. and there i felt, the jerk, looking at a postcard dated a few days early, arriving at my doorstep.

backtrack

four days ago, i was talking with you over chat. asked what your plans would be, and found out that you were going away for spring break - january to may. so being the person that i am, i told you, "aww. so that means i won't see you on my birthday?"

you replied, "no. sadly, even if i didn't go, i don't think i would've seen you anyway."

that stung me. and it hurt. did you mean you didn't want to see me? did i do anything wrong? a million questions sashayed in my brain; a thousand possible scenarios moving on fast-forward. it's a wonder how small words, seemingly absent of deeper meaning would have so much impact when expressed.

i asked, "what do you mean?" you didn't reply, not just yet. i tried shrugging it off by saying, "nah. don't worry about it. how would you be able to do so right? i'm here, you're there. don't worry about it."

but i knew that you saw through the words. you were always like that, reading through what i wrote down. you're always the understanding and rational person that i grew to know and appreciate.

after a long pause you reply, "sorry, was on the phone. i meant that i really couldn't 'see' you since i was here and you were there. is there anything wrong? why do you sound sad all of a sudden?"

and that's when i knew that you knew. "nah, it's nothing. you worry too much. it's just the morning air catching up with me." it's like i'm playing charades with a mute. it's obvious enough without explaining.

fast forward.

i read the postcard. i felt like a jerk. I felt so SELFISH. why am i thinking that way? why am i even getting that sort of idea - you wanted to be friends again, because that's what you needed first; that was what we needed to be first. i guess there's no english translation for "tampo" but then again, i guess that's how i felt. i missed you and yet i didn't quite feel that you missed me as well.

but it's ok, friends are like that. these things need not be spoken. things like these stand the trial of time, and if tested true, will go beyond everything else.

i didn't understand that. i was selfish, because i felt i was not reciprocated. i was being a jerk, and i'm really sorry.

i feel bad. and i really do miss our talks. talk to me, please? i couldn't bear it if you didn't.