12:16 AM 4/6/2008

I was walking a while ago, cool tagaytay breeze blowing, worship music playing in the background, and i was missing you. i really wished you were here with us, in tagaytay, playing for the ilc.

i was suddenly washed with a feeling of loneliness as i walked toward the starbucks (and realizing that it was quite a distance away :P). i know i didn't have the right, nor the position to feel this way, but i don't know, i really just do.

this line keeps my mind clear: feelings are valid - no matter how irrational they seem to be, how overly inappropriate, or how 'off' they are. They should be given attention, or they are buried without being addressed. Feelings of anger, of loathing, of sadness, happiness and whatnot - they are all there for reasons only we can answer or not answer. Point is, emotions / feelings exist and indifference toward it will only make it stronger.

these past few days have taught me to be detached toward my feelings for you. in keeping my mind busy, and everything preoccupied, i tried not to think or feel or at least tried to get myself exhasted so i didn't have energy left for anything else other than rest. the more i force myself not to think, the more i do.

i don't want to analyze what i'm feeling anymore. i feel cornered, i feel useless. i don't want to give up. i don't want to think period. it's at times like these that i want to just feel passive - to look as if nothing's happening. at least i could try to pretend that i'm on top of things.

i'll try to distract myself now. but that doesn't change the fact that i miss you dearly. i miss the late nights at starbucks. i miss random conversations in-between topics in math. i miss seeing your friends drop by. i miss seeing your forehead crumple when you're thinking. i miss your analytic observations on everything and anything. i miss your weird common sense. i miss your sabawness. i miss looking at your "candid" pictures. i miss just sitting around and i miss watching you obssess over your readings and seeing you try to voice out your thoughts about them. i miss seeing the nervous smile you have when it's crunch time and you're not yet done. i miss hearing "vundabar" that signals that you finished / achieved something. i miss hearing "ang bakla" whenever you'd see something you fancy, or "anakngtipaklong / anak ng bogey" when you're in a rut.

i miss you and i can't wait to see you again.