a long post after a long while

March

The month is zooming by, and the last remaining days of it is fast approaching. Two more days. The month has been quite eventful, for myself and for a lot of other people: the academic year is about to close, and for most students, another chapter of their study-life has ended; graduates rejoice in this month because march usually spells victory (or relief) for them; road-traffic can also take a break from the early morning / afternoon university rush; everything else is turning a new leaf at this time of the year.

I find it amusing though, that at the end of such a "significant" month for most, it's ended (or perhaps the next month, April is started) with a "Fool's Day". Like some deitic prankster's telling you, "Just kidding!" after asking you to do (and having done them already) an x number of impossible things. hay. such is life.


New Life

This morning, I gave a talk on "new life" to a bunch of kids fourteen years and up. When it was first presented to me, i'm like, "New life? I can't even figure out my CURRENT life and you're asking me to talk about NEW life?" But then again, who am i to say that i can't? I recently had a realization: probably, the reason why God gives me (or anyone for that matter) anything - may it be problems, graces, dilemmas, quandaries, blessings and whatnot - is because kaya ko, I can handle it. But unlike the way we decide on things, God isn't just "point-and-click". He KNOWS that we can handle it, and not like us who THINK we can handle it when we really can't. More often than not, our idea of "burden" would match what He plans us to have (take note of the "more often than not").

Going back to New Life, the experience taught me a number of things:
- teen-agers can be the most critical of people, yet the most appreciative.
- it's difficult to prove a point to a crowd that's on "siesta mode"
- harder it is to crack an effective joke
- being honest about yourself when talking to people (even if you look like a complete idiot) works, and quite well actually.
- music is crucial to stirring the soul; without the soft whispers that music provides, it is nearly impossible to reach out to an indifferent heart.
- God's grace is unmatched, and is constantly in motion, and is always new every single day

My only fear is that I might not have been effective enough as i ought to be, and that i might not have gotten the message across. ho-hum. Bahala na.


On helping...

I can't help but feel - what's the word - "utilized?" maybe this is just my "emo self" talking through.

what if i was never good at anything? would i still be needed? oh the melodrama! (i suddenly feel like i've seen one too many telenovelas. gah.)

I explicitly told you that you owe me nothing. the rational mind though, still thinks that perhaps you do. i think it's more a feeling that "i don't want you to owe me." I don't want you to feel obligated to do something because you "have to" and not because you "want to." i don't want us to hang out because a "good turn deserves another". i don't want to be a "chore". and because you really don't owe me anything - gifts were never meant to be paid for.

I want to make myself clear: i'm here because i want to help you, and i want to spend time with you. It might sound a bit forward, but then again, maybe it's not because it's the truth. if it comes off as "utilitarian," i don't mean it in that way. It just feels like it, is all. i guess like since now, there's no "reason" to hang out or anything, so hindi na lang talaga. but it is said, feelings are valid - for whatever purpose they stand for; they might be abstract and uncalled-for, but they represent something true.

Trains

I'm amazed with the way you analyze everything. Brilliance comes in a variety of forms, and you're especially gifted with analysis. i understand (or at least i think i do) mostly where you're coming from, and i try to make a mental note of them. You make me laugh when you're busy with something and you don't notice that you make silly faces. I enjoy your company and I hope you enjoy mine as well. You are a gifted, creative person and I believe you can achieve much. Like me, you are also quite easy to distract. like your prof, I SEE so much POTENTIAL in you.

Honestly, I am still really hooked to you - if that's a valid term (?). I want to understand you better, i want to know you further. i can feel you cringe away from getting too close, and i'm bothered because i think i'm doing something wrong. I'm afraid to "lose" you again. I can't help but feel jealous with some of your friends, because it's like you're so "normal" when you're with them. there i go again with that feeling. i shouldn't feel this way because i know you don't mean to have that effect. I'm anxious, and scared-to-death to find out that you'll never see me in the same light again.

Today, i see a different you. i learn a lot of things, and i find out that sometimes, there really is more than meets the eye. now i'm not sure if i know you better, or i'm just more confused. you don't have to feel guilty about anything.


i'll live, always do.

when someone asked me a while ago how i felt that you were still seeing her, i just shrugged. I'd be a hypocrite if i said it didn't affect me, because it did. i only choose to be passive. bahala na. If you never see things my way, i'm good with that. if you do, i'm good with that as well. i'm done trying to convince myself that you'll eventually come around - when all i've been trying to do is rationalize. hoping is never in the same weight as expecting, and also not as painful. besides, i've never expected anything. I'm good with whatever is given. but i tend to question myself - if i should ask for anything more, or if i should just stay put and watch everything unfold. when faced with a dilemma, is it better to be proactive? or passive?

you told me i was a "nice guy". i guess i am. i don't know if i'll be more. or if i'll be more than just a nice guy to you. if i asked you, what would your answer be?

In the talk of trains, moving and rushing through, there's really nothing that changed; nothing happened, nothing changed. cryptic, but i'm sure you understand what it means. though i've tried to see things in a different perspective, it always goes back to you. i tried looking for a damper, but i guess it's not how things are meant to be. Because "scapegoats" are just sacrificial animals; their mission to take the blame, to receive the hurt, to be the substitute prize. but when the sacrifice has been made and the guts are spilled, i'm still left alone with the burden only i can face. and then i realize that i can't mask out the hurt. but facing it is altogether a different struggle to undertake.

If you get to read this, i just want to say that i'm here for you. if and when you need me, you know how to reach me. i've given up before, and i don't want to give up again. but, honestly, i'm really just here; standing by, trying my best.

not expecting anything.
just keeping still. steady lang.


Work

work has been a bitch lately: a big, rabid, flesh-eating bitch. i'm uninspired and i'm at the point that i don't want to go to work anymore. i feel demoralized and unmotivated. yeesh. the only high-point of this is the fact that i get a paycheck every half-a-month. all else seem to just hang-on thinly by a thread.

it's starting to drive me nuts.

i guess it's really time to go back to the academe. aayusin ko na nga to, nakngtinola.