When you're faced with a pending reaction to a certain situation that could cause impending doom, everything races. every thought, every emotion, everything.

my situation would be classified as something like that. and it would definitely lead to doom - my doom.

i guess this is better than just expecting the inevitable. i think this is where the saying, "pray for the best but prepare for the worst" comes in.

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punched in the guts with my own words. yesterday i emailed a friend because she was feeling bad about someone stopping; i told her not to because "you don't have to feel bad about something you, as women, are privileged to do - if a man stops then it's his decision, he's the one who gave up not you."

my davao trip has been everything but perfect. or probably it's been perfect and it's only me that's not. however angle you see it, there's this great big flaw: perfection. i try to always picture a flawless scenario - girl of dreams fall for boy of dreams, sprinkled with a generous helping of cheese. i can't help it, that's how i'm built.

sometimes i fool myself and try to make the perfect scenario for me that others might take notice. more often than not it backfires into something a lot worse. i try to hide behind the illusion that i'm always rejected, but the matter-of-fact is, i sometimes don't even try to pursue. discouragement probably is the biggest understatement. more of cowardice. or delusion.

paranoia is my biggest waterloo. i think too much and talk to much which results in me thinking i deserve much - be it negative or positive. so when i read, look, see, or hear something, my selfish mind insists that whatever that stimulus is, it's referring to me. blank statements like, "i hate this person's guts" aimed at a certain person, not necessarily me, automatically make me want to run and hide. it triggers a more "sensitive" me to come out, rendering the remaining rational part of my brain useless. it convinces me that i have to react (more often than not retaliate), forces me into a confrontation that is either half-baked or untimely. resolutions that occur after that is bleak at best.

and pain is felt all around. i force myself to shut down, and detach my already detached self from the rest of the world, branding everyone and everything insensitive to my needs. MY NEEDS. the result is a narcissistic impression of the man that was once me; a frustrated mass of self-pity, a glowing ball of hostility.

i don't want to be that man any longer.