A little bit...

I haven't posted in what seems like ages. Maybe because i don't find reason to post. I don't want to be obligated into doing something just because i have it. oh if only all of the things you pay for are actually worth getting into most of the time.

bad movies for example. bad restaurants too. mostly anything negative to the taste don't really deserve second chances. unless of course they have a redeeming factor, or it's an acquired taste. those things that leave a bad taste in your mouth, and those that make you want to wish for a real-life rewind button.

tonight while i attended the debut of a friend, i realized something: i really am not a social person. i've always been quite the loner, enjoying stuff by myself most of the time. don't get me wrong, i don't hate other people. i'm not anti-social. i just ain't social. clearly two different things.

i remembered weeks ago when asked the question, "which is easier, to get along or to go along?", i said that to go along is easier. going along with a "flow" is easy because you build your own world around what's there. you don't need to unmask yourself. to blend but not necessarily fit in. you can choose to leave your inhibitions outside the door or build your walls from the start. unlike when you try to "get along" with people, you aim to please, fitting in is necessary for survival.

i have difficulty getting out of my comfort zone. i hate the fact that i am disarmed so easily outside familiar ground, and i hate myself sometimes because i feel so weak. if there ever was a calculated-risk taker, that's probably me (although it defeats the whole purpose of risking altogether).

i'll try a little experiment. maybe something good will come of it.

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i don't know if you're avoiding me secretly. probably this is just me being paranoid all over again. it feels good that we're sort of getting back what i lost months ago because of that photo incident, but why do i feel like you're just being like this because you're already about to leave? a friend challenged me on the phone a couple of days ago. she told me that i talk / think too much, that i'm really slow. SLOW. coming from someone who was never in a relationship.

yes, i know. i'm purposely slowing down. to the brink of stopping even. i have to prove something to myself first. i have to. i'm tired of rushing into things that don't usually end up the way i picture them to be. hopefully, i'm doing the right thing.

please don't be a different person away from work. cause it really feels that way. like we're just friends because we can laugh together. don't shut me out.