4:46 PM 10/21/2007

Talked to a friend about the whole ordeal. His exact words are "she wasn't exactly thrilled about you romantically."

it doesn't hurt as much as i've expected. i guess i've gotten used to the countless times i've been shot down in the past. again i fall victim to my own words, "you don't have to feel bad about something you're privileged to do. if a man stops, then it's his decision, you had no hand in that."

it's just that, this time, i've been really careful, treading on thin ice has never been this scary. treading, searching for possible footholds, possible trails that could lead me , hopefully to a place better. and yet i still fall through the ice.

"why don't you be an adult and just tell her? you can pretend nothing happened if it goes bad anyway and get on with your life." yes, why did i even listen to advice like that.

Stardust introduced me to a nice cheesy line, something like "love is a feeling you often mistake for loathing." can it be possible to assume the reverse? is it possible to apparently feel love, but let it turn to be a deep scarring hate?

questions in my mind never seem to stop, and i'm lucky if this incident does not affect me especially in the workplace. i can't really unlove someone - especially someone i learned to love in little steps.

I don't want to analyze what happened anymore. I risked, i lost. gambling has never been one of my strengths. I don't know if i waited too long to move, or if i shouldn't have moved at all. now i don't think i'll be able to get back to that old friendship anymore. i've become the stranger i worked so hard to not be.

the remaining question is: will i continue? Persevering has its benefits, and its disadvantages, but is it worth persevering for?